Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Selective Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Disclaimer: Jen the Newlywed is not a licensed therapist or psychologist. Her diagnosis of herself or others is purely fabrication and entirely made up out of her loony bin imagination. Jen the Newlywed cannot prescribe any medication to you or your loved ones. She wishes she could. Because, let's face it, Valium can be necessary at times.

Dr. Jen is in today, and I have diagnosed myself with Selective Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or SOCD. Allow me to elaborate on this diagnosis...

People with OCD are very particular about things, they want control of everything, and things have to be just so. If things aren't the way they want them to be, they get a little panicky and frazzled. They may even throw a fit. They are anal about details and it is not an option for you to "mess with" the way they think things should go.

Then there is me, someone with Selective Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Meaning, I am not OCD about 99.9999% of the areas in my life, but there are a few areas that raise concern.

I have a notepad on my desk at work, that I write down pretty much everything on. I am very particular about this notepad. Sometimes one of my co-workers will write on it. As soon as they walk away, I rip off the page that was written on by anyone other than me, and I RE-WRITE everything that was on the page on a brand new page. Weird.

When I am at the grocery store, when I get to the check out line, I am very particular about the order in which I unload the items onto the conveyor belt thing. All things cold go first. Then all other food items that do not need to be refrigerated, and then, finally, all non-food items (household cleaners, etc.).

I have to finish songs. You can't leave a note unresolved. For instance, if you were to walk up to me and sing, "Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti".... and then dare me NOT to sing "DOOOOOO!" I would fail miserably at that dare.

I don't care where I am, what I am doing, or what emotional state I am in.... I could be alone in a cave where I have been lost for 3 months and have no food and laying down taking my last breaths and on my way to be with Jesus... if YMCA came on the radio, my arms would fly into the air. Jesus would welcome me into His kingdom as soon as I completed the letter A.

I cannot watch television for any length of time without some sort of blanket.

What I am getting at here, is that I am generally pretty non-anal in my life. But there are some things I am just ridiculous about. I have to be in control. And if Grant tries to unload the cart with the bread first, he gets snapped at.

I have also found this to be true when it comes to trusting in God. Grant and I are in a season of trust right now (more on that in a later post), and I have found that there are certain things I am willing to give up control of, and other things I find myself to be clinging to.

It is like I am saying, "Okay Lord, I trust You, but only in areas A, B, and D. You can't have C yet though. I know better than You on that one and I am afraid You will mess it up".

The last few weeks I have really been trying to give EVERYTHING to Him, even the scary parts. It is so silly to me, cause you would think that those "scary parts" would be the parts I would be gladly throwing off of my shoulders and passing on to Him. Lord knows I am not smart enough to be handling anything in this life on my own!

I have found, however, that when I DO give it to God, and allow Him to have total control, He covers me with His peace. I know that I have put my burdens in better hands.

Romans 15:13 says, "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit".

I love when the Lord gives me little reminders like that. He is so much wiser and stronger. He is all knowing, all powerful. Praise the Lord that I am not in control of my life!!

Afterthought: If I am sitting in church and the person in front of me has a tag sticking out of their shirt, I tuck it back in. Even if the result of this behavior is the unsuspecting member of the congregation turning to me and giving me an odd stare, I just say "Sorry! Your shirt tag was sticking out!", and the 96 year old man goes back to listening to the sermon with his special hearing device. Grant looks at me in horror.


cristina said...

that verse in romans is one of my new favorites...all i really have control over is being filled, inviting Him in.

then i can stop being the jr. Holy Spirit and just let the hope that is in me OVERFLOW to those around me.

thanks for the chuckle this morning...i needed it. :)

have a blessed day!

Erica & Colin said...

I have SOCD when it comes to grocery shopping too! I have the floorplan of my grocery store memorized, so when I make my list I have every item listed in the proper aisle order. If I accidentally miss an item when preparing my list, instead of just writting it off to the side and drawing a line to it's appropriate spot in the list, I will throw my list away and start a new one. There can be no cross-off's on my list until I am actually shopping at the store! Sad? Yes. Sick? Definitely!

I love that verse from Romans too! Thanks for the reminder to let go and allow God to move in His way and in His perfect timing. I needed that! :)

connorcolesmom said...

Oh I think we might be twins - hehe
I too have the SOCD and often horrify and embarrass my hubby although after almost 10 years he is quite use to my quirkiness :)

Oh and if you are going to the Siesta Fiesta I might have to have some fun with you and sing some songs and see if you can let it go or if you have to finish it - LOL
Much love my sassy Mcnewlywed - hehe

Dana said...

Jen! I am that way about my groceries too! There are some Kroger baggers that I will not let touch my stuff. They just don't pay attention! I guess we both need the meds. Wish there was a trusting God med. Oh yea, its called the Holy Spirit working in us! Blessings on you and Grant as you trust God together. Enjoy the wild ride that is life.


cristina said...

jen: thanks for your sweet comment. :)

had to comment because of erica's grocery store SOCD....i had a friend give me a form she'd created that had anything she ever bought at the store (we shopped in the same grocery store), in the order it was layed out, with blank boxes for each thing.

she'd have her form on the fridge (or where ever) and as she realized she needed an item, she'd "check" the box for that item. then she'd just take her form and do her shopping....

i LOVED the idea, but had no follow through....someday perhaps. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if you seriously think you have ocd or if you are just poking fun at your quirkiness... I actually have ocd according to an ocd specialist although I frequently doubt the diagnosis... Because you know, ocd is the doubting disease! Ocd isn't about being anal nor is it about quirks.... Ocd is an anxiety disorder. Your fight or flight response is always on! Ocd involves having an intrusive wanted thought and not being able to let go of the thought... And all this anxiety building up in relation to the thought (why did I have this thought, what does it mean, etc.).. needing to perform some sort of compulsion in order to rid yourself of the anxiety. So for example, my husband and I were doing Reno's in our home. I was using an electric sander and all the sudden I had this thought of running the machine on my husband's skin. A person without ocd could have let this thought go,but I could not. The thought kept running through my mind over and over again increasing my anxiety levels. I felt like because I had the violent intrusive thought that I actually wanted to hurt my husband buying reality all I wanted to do was run away. The anxiety and fear lasted a very long time. I suffer from another theme of ocd... Which I'm not comfortable sharing... But I can tell you that it has been the most painful experience of my life. The constant doubt, the continuously looping thoughts, the desperation to end the anxiety through performing compulsions. It's hell on earth. It's like walking down a back lane at night in the worst part of town where every sound and shadow causes your mind to race and your heart to beat out of your chest. Ocd has caused me to hurt myself and I've contemplated suicide many times. Ocd is a disorder that makes it very difficult to trust your own mind. I'd say you have ocd if you felt you needed to put your grocery in a paticilar order on the conveyor belt if your brain told you that if you didn't you might be responsible for certain foods contaminating other foods causing the growth of a type of deadly bacterium thus causing the death of anyone who eats the food you bought. So in response, you painstakingly ensure your food is ordered correctly until your anxiety subsides... But this process may take hours because your anxious mind would continuously doubt that you ordered the food in a way that wouldn't cause death. You see, ocd has nothing to do with being particular, anal, or quirky... It's about stopping the overwhelming anxiety to the thoughts. People with ocd never laugh about having ocd... They are never proud they have ocd nor do they think it's a blessing... It's a nightmare. A nightmare that no true sufferer would wish on anyone!

Anonymous said...

Unwanted thought* not wanted