I woke up this morning feeling a tremendous need to write.
I'm stuck in a rut. A big one. For the last few weeks, I feel like there is an anchor tied around my ankle. I can't get up.
And when I do get up, I get right back down. It's like I climb a mountain and as soon as I get to the top, I immediately run back down as fast as I can. I don't stay up there and look at the view, I don't take a moment and enjoy the accomplishment of climbing a mountain. I get up there and then I go right back down.
Several weeks ago I made a decision to make a change in my life. To be more intentional. To be more purposeful. To stop being so self-focused and to be more God-focused. To live a life worthy of the hope to which I have been called. To do all things in His name and for His glory.
But I feel like ever since I made that decision, it has been like walking into hurricane force winds.
I've been doing the whole "just shut up and do it, Jenny" thing but that doesn't seem to be working.
Curtis Jones once preached that "The amount of time you spend in prayer is directly related to how much you think you need God". Last night, in our small group Bible study, someone said "Your obedience to God is a manifestation of your faith in God".
It is being revealed to me that this is an obedience issue. I've been so self-focused and thinking about how "I can't do this" or "why is this so hard for me" and "I feel stressed" when the fact of the matter is, this isn't about me. I shouldn't even be doing this to satisfy my own needs or desires.
Beth Moore said this weekend that "We are either corrupted by our desires or we are renewed by our decisions".
I am making a decision. A decision to be obedient. A decision to admit how much I need God and how I am useless on my own.
I don't know if anyone else relates to this at all. Maybe I'm on my own here. But I do know that usually when I put something on the blog, I have my very own built-in accountability group. I've put it all out there on the whole world wide web. And while this is very personal, I feel like saying it here is kinda like putting my signature on the bottom of a contract.
I have a new mindset and I am starting TODAY.