I'm stuck in a rut. A big one. For the last few weeks, I feel like there is an anchor tied around my ankle. I can't get up.
And when I do get up, I get right back down. It's like I climb a mountain and as soon as I get to the top, I immediately run back down as fast as I can. I don't stay up there and look at the view, I don't take a moment and enjoy the accomplishment of climbing a mountain. I get up there and then I go right back down.
Several weeks ago I made a decision to make a change in my life. To be more intentional. To be more purposeful. To stop being so self-focused and to be more God-focused. To live a life worthy of the hope to which I have been called. To do all things in His name and for His glory.
But I feel like ever since I made that decision, it has been like walking into hurricane force winds.
I've been doing the whole "just shut up and do it, Jenny" thing but that doesn't seem to be working.
Curtis Jones once preached that "The amount of time you spend in prayer is directly related to how much you think you need God". Last night, in our small group Bible study, someone said "Your obedience to God is a manifestation of your faith in God".
It is being revealed to me that this is an obedience issue. I've been so self-focused and thinking about how "I can't do this" or "why is this so hard for me" and "I feel stressed" when the fact of the matter is, this isn't about me. I shouldn't even be doing this to satisfy my own needs or desires.
Beth Moore said this weekend that "We are either corrupted by our desires or we are renewed by our decisions".
I am making a decision. A decision to be obedient. A decision to admit how much I need God and how I am useless on my own.
I don't know if anyone else relates to this at all. Maybe I'm on my own here. But I do know that usually when I put something on the blog, I have my very own built-in accountability group. I've put it all out there on the whole world wide web. And while this is very personal, I feel like saying it here is kinda like putting my signature on the bottom of a contract.
I have a new mindset and I am starting TODAY.
5 comments:
I hear you, sister. I definitely hear you.
For me, it's getting up in the morning to spend "time" with Him... real, relationship time.
Praying for you, and if you think of it, pray for me too.
::Taylor
Jenny, oh Jenny...
I think I need to read that again. Sister, you have no idea. I know that the more I pray = the more I need God = the more I pray. Hmmm, so why aren't I more active and dedicated in prayer? The reward is feeling closer to God, knowing Him more deeply. I have one jillion decisions to make. The first one is the most important one, the one that decides everything else, really. I could spend a day crying on your shoulder. I feel alone in this too so I'm glad to hear your thoughts spilled out on the internet. I need some accountability as well. I love you and can't wait to see you...hope it's Sunday. : )
:)
I've loved reading some of your past entries...love your heart, Jen!
What a treat to meet you this past weekend....excited to see more and more jen the newlywed posts added to my reader. :)
This spoke mountains to me. I can't tell you how much I relate. Here's to living life with purpose. A God ordained purpose! Praying for you!
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