I love it when God brings me some major realizations and clarifications when I need them the most. And let me tell you, He has made a few things CRYSTAL CLEAR the last few weeks.
A couple weeks ago, he smacked me upside the head (figuratively speaking, of course) when I was having feelings of resentment towards someone in my life. Something wasn't going my way and I was blaming someone for it. As I prayed about it, I prayed "Lord, show this person that they are WRONG and I am RIGHT!". That's when I was told "JENNIFER DAWN, this is NOT about them. This is about ME."
I was put in my place. I was reminded that when things aren't going MY way, it's not because others are hindering it. It's probably because God is trying to remind me that things aren't supposed to go my way. They're supposed to go HIS way, and all my moaning and complaining at whoever isn't justified nor accomplishing anything. I'm just barking up a tree, essentially.
And then, this morning, it happened again. I've been praying the last couple weeks that God would continue to reveal to me where I am in the wrong, where I am way off base, and where I need to be corrected. I'm not perfect, He is, and I want HIM to tell me where I'm wrong. This morning, He did. This morning, I was praying, and I said "Lord, I trust You." And then I felt it... something was revealed to me.
I realized this: I'm never really saying "I trust You"..... what I'm really saying is "Lord, I trust You to make things go MY way".
"Lord, I trust You to make this happen for me"
"God, I trust that You're going to work all this out in the way I want it to go"
Um, NO. That's not supposed to be how it goes. So I changed it up:
"Lord, I trust You whole-heartedly, I trust Your plan for my life. I trust You with NO input from me. I trust that You know what You're doing with no input from me".
Probably for one of the first times in my life, I took the motive out of my prayer.
While some of this has been hard to hear, it has brought SUCH clarity to my life. He has removed so much fog and revealed to me the things that are holding me back.
I so deeply struggle with selfishness. I struggle with my motives for the decisions I make. I pray for things that will make my life easier, but are not necessarily the things that are best for me. Thankfully, God is showing these things to me in such a powerful way.
He is good, all the time. And He DOES NOT need my input!