Hello, my name is Jen, and I'm out of control.
The thing is, I think I am out of control in a way that will eventually be beneficial for me. But right now, I am having some meltdowns in a daily way. Remember a few days ago when I mentioned that I was hoping for only 2-3 crying explosions? Well, we are beyond that and it is only Wednesday.
My poor husband. My poor friends and family. They have gotten so many whiny, complaining phone calls where I am just falling to pieces. Most of the time I'm upset because of un-met expectations or the fact that I don't have it all together. But, let's face it, sometimes I'm just coming unglued because "I don't have a Christmas tree and it's depressing".
We received news today that we will not be closing on our home on this Friday as was originally planned. Nothing "happened", it's just that we were trying to do this really fast before the Christmas holidays and it seems that the title company and mortgage company just can't seem to prepare everything by the deadline we initially agreed upon. At this point, our broker is "hoping for a Christmas Eve closing". We are preparing ourselves for something after Christmas, or even after the New Year.
None of this is bad, it is just disappointing. It kinda throws a wrench in our moving plans. The dates we were having the water/cable/utilities/electricity switched over all have to change. The plans we had for painters and movers are going to have to be rearranged.
As I was having a hissy fit today, I realized that alot of this breakdown I'm having... scratch that... all of this breakdown that I'm having has to do with the fact that I feel out of control. We started house hunting in June. I started Christmas shopping in October. As we have gone through the process of getting approved for a loan, Grant and I have been extremely on top of everything and did our part to make this process go as rapidly as possible. I am struggling right now that although we have put so much hard work into buying this home... even though I have felt relatively like I've been "on top of everything".... at this very moment I am feeling like everything has been turned upside down and inside out.
And then I talk to people like my mom and my sister and my husband and they all tell me that I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. This is not as bad as it seems and it is okay to be disappointed.... but I am in a wonderful place in my life. I have written so many posts about wanting a house so badly and now, that has been provided for us. No, the timing isn't ideal and we will possibly spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day unpacking boxes. But that's okay. I mean what I'm essentially saying here is "Oh Boo! I'm getting a big, pretty, beautiful home of my very own on a Wednesday and I wanted it on a Friday! Life is not fair!!!!". Um, yes, hi, allow me to introduce myself: I'm a ridiculous, bratty child.
We are blessed beyond measure. The Lord has provided for us abundantly. It is Christmas time. Whether or not I have a tree, whether or not I was able to send out Christmas cards.... this is the time of year where we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.... Emmanuel, God with Us.GOD WITH US. I am most satisfied in Him. The gift of His Son is more than enough for me.
Thank You, Lord for that Holy Night over 2,000 years ago where You gave us Your Son. Thank You, Lord for choosing to love me even when I am so unworthy of it. Thank You for teaching me and being patient with me when I'm being immature and throwing a fit. I choose You and I choose YOUR plan. Your way is better than my way, Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts.
HE HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN. EVER. EVER. EVER.
My friends, if you are going through something (and chances are, it is a heck of a lot heavier than this little tantrum I'm throwing over here)... I encourage you to take a step back and thank God for all He has given you. Stop panicking over the small things that aren't falling into their perfect place. Focus on the HUGE things that you've been given that you don't deserve.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" -Romans 15:13
"Fulfillment of every longing of man... it's YOU, God, it's YOU. You're able". -Christy Nockels You Are Able
Keep your eyes on Him.