Thursday, May 27, 2010

Jen's Rules for Being a Human Being

You are not allowed to eat canned tuna near me as I will gag.

You are not allowed to carry your cell phone in your cleavage.

You are not allowed to end a relationship via a text or email, single guys. You must break up with a woman in person. Be a man.

You are not allowed to give Paula Abdul a microphone and allow her to do a "comedy" sketch for approximately 6 minutes as it is awkward and painful.

You are not allowed to wear daisy dukes with Ugg boots.

You are not allowed to wear flip-flops if you have not pedicured your feet in over 1 year.

You are not allowed to say phrases like "took it for granite" or "he was unconscience".

You are not allowed to write a script for a hit television show that runs 2 hours long and involves every core member of the cast almost getting shot in a hospital.

You are not allowed to cancel "Chuck".

You are not allowed to ask me if I'm old enough to be married. I know I look young but let's not get insulting. I atleast look 18, right?!

You are not allowed to tell someone incredibly personal things when you have not spoken to that person since the 10th grade and you are standing in the mall outside of the Gap.

You are not allowed to be mad at everyone all the time. No one did anything to you.

You are not allowed to mock my love for broadway shows. I don't mock your love for Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, nerd.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND IN CHURCH.

You are not allowed to curse at people when they have nothing to do with the reason you're so upset. Actually, you are not allowed to curse at people, period.

You are not allowed to write a facebook status about your period. Period.

You are not allowed to talk about your sex life at work.

You are not allowed to talk about your bathroom habits at work.

You are not allowed to cook smelly smelly foods in the microwave at work.

You are not allowed to eat things from the fridge at work that you did not put there.

I think that is all I have to say. For now. I think.

7 comments:

Jaclyn said...

LOVE it! where ever did you see someone wearing a cell phones in her boobs? weird :)

i have still not seen greys...it is waiting in my DVR along with the previous 5 episodes....sigh.....

the paula thing HURT me!

Nat said...

haha! That is one of my most favourite posts ever. Jen, you are too funny, I actually laughed out loud reading that! :)

Brittney said...

I loved this!!

"You are not allowed to carry your cell phone in your cleavage." -- LOL

"You are not allowed to give Paula Abdul a microphone and allow her to do a "comedy" sketch for approximately 6 minutes as it is awkward and painful." -- AGREED!

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND IN CHURCH." -- WHOA Wowza!

"You are not allowed to eat things from the fridge at work that you did not put there." -- I can't tell you how many times I go to get my meal and SOMEONE ATE IT!! too many times! SO annoying... or better yet, someone stealing my ibuprofen FROM my desk! ugh!

The Rabe's said...

Can you make out with your husband at church?

Ashley McWhorter said...

OK! The whole time I am reading this, I am totally thinking to myself...."What in the WORLD did Conn and I say to them at Jenni's party and was it totally not appropriate?" HAHA! Hope we're still friends. :) HA!

Heather said...

What happens if I admit to doing one of those while running. I will let you guess which one I do, please don't hate me.

Fran said...

I wanted to pick out a favorite and couldn't. Love the list. LOVE IT!!!

Thanks for the laugh!