Quiet is not me. I am not a quiet girl. And I'm not always proud of that. I'm loud, both in personality and in volume. I talk incessantly, especially when I'm insecure, which makes no sense to me. One would think that if you're feeling self-conscious you would get quiet and try to blend in with the wallpaper, but not me. I just start talking and don't shut up.
I get embarassed by it. I don't mean to talk so much. Sometimes I just start going and I can't stop. I've gone through all the psychological reasons for it... trying to figure out why I think everyone wants to hear what I have to say. Why do I think my words, my stories, my opinions are so important? Do I think I'm that funny? That intelligent? Is my information that necessary for all to hear?
Parts of it I have come to terms with. I have accepted and am not ashamed of the personality that the Lord chosen for me. I'm bubbly, talkative, and I am good with people. It's not all bad.
The time I find this problem to be at its greatest is in my prayer life. I pray and pray and pray which means I talk and talk and talk. I ask the Lord to hear my prayers and to guide me and direct me and sometimes I think He is saying "FOR THE LOVE, WOMAN, I WOULD GUIDE YOU AND DIRECT YOU IF YOU WOULD HUSH YOUR MOUTH FOR 2 SECONDS SO I COULD SPEAK".
I think that I'm just gonna be real with you people and come out and say it. When I'm stressed about something, worried about something, insecure, embarassed, overwhelmed... I'm just not a good listener. This is especially true when the One whose voice you are trying to hear is a Voice that is inaudible to the human ear.
I have to listen with my heart, with my spirit.
My prayer for 2011 is that I would listen, and, at a more basic level, that the Lord would TEACH me how to listen.
I can't hear Him if I'm talking. I can't follow Him if I'm not opening my eyes to see where He is walking.
So far, the best thing I have learned is that while I may not be at a place right now where I seem to be able to quiet my thoughts long enough to HEAR Him, I most certainly can read. What better way is there to have uninterrupted time with His voice than to read His Word?
I am seeking Him in His scriptures until I get to a better place of hearing Him with my spirit.
I have high hopes for the year. I can't wait to hear what He has to say.
1 comment:
I kind of feel like you crawled in my head to write this post.
And you opened my eyes to somethings I hadn't realized about myself either. Wow. Thank you :)
You are so wise sweet Jenn! I pray that you are able to have a year of listening. And if you need practice call me. Because I can talk your ear off :) Love you!
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