As I flipped through the home listings on the internet, I sighed as I said to Grant "I'm sad". Again, I felt that we were so close to finally being in a home and then it was just gone. I know this sounds silly, but I have kinda had it in my mind that my goal was to be in a home by December. I really want to spend Christmas in our own place and decorate it just how I've always imagined it. The last week or so, I felt that dream slipping further and further away... I have been feeling unsettled and stressed and altogether not at peace. Hope was beginning to seem dim.
I got up from the couch and decided I was going to spend some time reading my Bible and doing my devotional. And then it happened: I REALIZED THAT HE IS HEARING ME.
The first moment was when I was reading my devotional and the author said "Jesus is my firm foundation". I kinda chuckled when I read that. We've been using the word "foundation" alot lately since that was a major reason we had to walk away from this house. I decided I needed to make that my motto...Jesus is my firm foundation.
The second moment happened when the passage in my book directed me to read Psalm 84. Below are some of the verses from the Psalm...
How lovely is Your dwelling place
O Lord Almighty
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the Courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-
a place near Your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
they are ever praising You.
Blessed are those whose strength is in You.
Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does He withhold
from those whose walk is blamless.
O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.
I was absolutely floored at how many references are made in that chapter to homes and houses and dwellings and shelters. I have read that chapter hundreds of times and sang the song that came out of it and tonight it became alive to me.
Lastly, I decided I wanted to write down "Jesus is my firm foundation" and also make it a note to memorize Psalm 84. I opened my nightstand drawer, digging for a piece of paper to write these things down on as a reminder. I found a paper folder in half. One side had a bunch of prayer requests written down on it. It was a little too full so I flipped the paper over to the other side to see if it was blank. It was blank, mostly. But on top of it, in my own handwriting, the following was written in big, bubbly, capital letters:
Nothing underneath it. Nothing explaining why I wrote that. Just the word "Hope". Who knows how long that paper has been shoved back there. But there it was, practically yelling at me. HOPE.
It was then that I realized that He is hearing me. He is hearing my heart. He hears that I'm sad. He hears that I'm tired of this and feeling a bit hopeless. But He wanted me to know tonight that He is hearing me and that I'm not talking to empty space when I pray to Him. He revealed it to me with Jesus is my firm foundation. He revealed it to me in Psalm 84... that He is my sun and my shield and that I would rather be in the rooms of HIS house than any house of my own. And He revealed it to me in my own handwriting.
He is my firm foundation. He does not crack, He will not shift. He is steady. His ways are perfect. He is knowledge and truth. He will make all things known. His plans are for us to prosper... His plans for us have a future and a hope. I will trust in the Lord with all my heart. I will lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, and He will make my path straight. His WORD is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
I had to get this out, I had to type it before I fell asleep. I had to shout from the rooftops that my God made Himself very real to me tonight.
Thank You, Jesus for hearing me. And thank You for opening my eyes and opening my heart to realize and see that You were telling me ever so softly... "Hope, my daughter. Hope".